SURPRISE

So, I had had every intention of writing about Missy and all that next time, but if I did that, I’d neglect to write about FINDING MY BIRTH PARENTS. Yes, I found them. It was less than 10 days since sending my original email to Eastern SWS. It was the place Missy had contacted and they helped her find her birth mother. They didn’t have a file on me. That was the “first failure” I mentioned in my last entry. They forwarded it on to SWS (Social Welfare Services, Inc.), who did have a file on me. Hence, my “first success.” SWS need me to fill out a form and send in a copy of my ID and a recent picture. I chose a picture from my sister-in-law Jenny’s wedding and cropped it to just me. I used my phone to take a picture of my license, filled out the form, and emailed it right back…
Yesterday evening, I sat down to check my email really fast and I get this email from my social worker:
Dear Sylvia,

Thank you for your request form and photo! I reviewed your file and found that you contacted SWS to search for your birth parents in 2005. At the time, the social worker, Ms. KANG, Shin Hye, found your birth parents with the information that SWS has and your birth parents visited SWS. When they gave you birth, they didn't register their marriage but they lived together. Your birth father has a daughter who was born in 1979 from his first marriage and also your birth mother has a son born in 1979 from her first marriage as well.

Around when you were born, their relationship was very bad and they decided not to be together any longer. That's why they reached a decision that they would put you up adoption. However, their relationship was recovered later and they tried to find you but they were told that you were already adopted. After that, they legally married and have a daughter born in 1983.

They were thrilled and excited to hear that you wanted to find them in 2005. Unfortunately, when Ms. Kang contact you, your e-mail didn't work and the e-mail returned. I'm so happy to let you know this and although it took over 5 years, I'm so relieved that you and your birth family are connected with each other.

Sincerely,
Soohyun

It was probably the most shocking experience I have ever had. I read the first three sentences and couldn’t go on. I begin weeping. It was full on, shouldering shaking, weeping. I just kept repeating “Oh my god, oh my god.” I couldn’t say anything else. My husband, Chris, ran in to see what was wrong and I couldn’t get a word out. I was barely able to turn my laptop toward him and he read it. He would exclaim things like, “You have siblings!.... a half brother and half sister…. And a full sister! Oh my gosh, they wanted you back.” I hadn’t even read that yet and my sobbing only got stronger. Finally, I was able to ask Chris to read the whole thing to me. As he was reading it, I was actually wondering to myself, “What am I thinking right now?” I honestly was not sure what emotions and thoughts I had. I didn’t know why I couldn’t stop crying anymore than I knew why I was crying.
I probably cried uncontrollably for at least twenty minutes without ceasing. My kids were freaked out and I couldn’t even stop. Zoey ran in from the backyard. Jude walked up to me, making a horribly sad face and threw his arms around my neck. Normally, when it comes to my kids, I will stifle emotions if I need to, but I couldn’t control myself. I hugged Jude back and sobbed.
My mind has probably never been as blank as it was for that 20-30 minutes. I never thought I would react like that, to finding my birth parents or any other shocking event. I thought I’d be the shocked person who stares blankly, whose eyes slowly fill, possibly just from lack of blinking rather than actual emotion.
Chris had been about to walk out to the door to his volleyball game. He told me he’d stay home, but I knew his team’s second place standing was on the line and he needed to be there. I asked him to call my mom and once she arrived, he left for his game. I had no idea what my mom would be feeling. I told her about a week ago that I had started looking and it was a bit of a surprise. I couldn’t even think about it though. I just needed my mom.
I’ve had half a day to process this now and I’m still shocked. I’ve sorted through my emotions a little. I’m ecstatic about the prospect of meeting my biological family. I’m also extremely nervous about it. I worry about being too fat or disappointing them. I worry about language barriers, obviously. I mourn for my birth parents and how their hearts must have broken when they tried to get me back and found that I already had new parents. I wonder when they tried to get me back. How old was I? How long had it been since I had been adopted?
The social worker’s email refers to when I contacted them in 2005. I didn’t even know who I was contacting at the time. Actually, I thought I was emailing someone at the hospital where I was born. I guess I contacted the right place. My birth parents must have been heart-broken to get that close to finding their daughter and missing out. I can only imagine that I emailed them on my Verizon account, which I think must have been closed somewhere around that time. I never heard back from them. I never even heard that they were searching for my birth parents.
I mourn the lost time and the heart-break for my birth parents. I am excited at the prospects of talking to them, meeting them, meeting my siblings. I have a full sister! There are people out there who might look like me. Or like my children. It’s so exciting. It’s also incredibly scary. What if they don’t like me? What if I’m a disappointment? What if they were hoping for something better? What if something got screwed up in the process and they aren’t my parents?
I’m scared, excited, sad, nervous, anxious, and so much more. I have no idea where things are going to go from here, but I can’t wait for the next step.